Family Promises...

What does it mean to be family?

Is it purely biological?  If you are born to a couple, then you are family?  Perhaps, but many children will tell you they lived with biological parents and never felt loved or connected...they always longed to be part of a "family."

Is it some lovely feeling?  Perhaps.  But have there been moments when you felt less than loving, less than positive about a spouse or a child?  Does that make you no longer family?

What about the military?  They describe themselves as a family.  Sororities and fraternities even use the designation "brother" and "sister."  What about God's family?  Church family?

What does it mean to be a family?

Craig Dykstra, in his book Growing in Faith, suggests that "family is constituted by promises...it is the promises that make the family, before it is the family that makes promises."  When we marry, we create relationship through promises.  We have children, but we see them not as "biological offspring," but as sons and daughters.  Our children begin to see themselves as sons and daughters and see us as parents.  Dykstra says that "at the point where the child's promises become conscious and owned, promises are not newly being made.  Rather the promises are existing, already-lived promises becoming articulated and affirmed (or perhaps rejected)." (p. 100)

That sounds a lot like our understanding of our relationship with God.  God loves us, so we then are able to love God and love each other.  God acts to save us; we become conscious of that activity, own it, and commit our lives to the relationship(or  reject it...).

Dykstra goes a step further and claims "it is not the failure to keep promises, in and of itself, that destroys family.  Such failure happens in every family and can be expected.  Family can remain family in the midst of unfulfilled promises.  What destroys family is the collapse of promise-making."(Italics mine)

Promises start our journey as disciples.  Sometimes, we make the promise.  Often, it is made on our behalf and we choose later whether to accept or reject it.  If we accept,  every minute of every day we are called to live our promise of discipleship in response to God's promise of grace.

What happens to church families members refuse to participate in promise-making?  Does that, in fact,  destroy the family?  Look at the promises we make in membership vows when God calls us to a particular congregation:

A faithful member accepts Christ’s call to be involved responsibly in the ministry of his Church. 

Such involvement includes
a. proclaiming the good news,
b. taking part in the common life and worship of a particular church,
c. praying and studying Scripture and the faith of the Christian Church,
d. supporting the work of the church through the giving of money, time, and talents,
e. participating in the governing responsibilities of the church,
f. demonstrating a new quality of life within and through the church,
g. responding to God’s activity in the world through service to others,
h. living responsibly in the personal, family, vocational, political, cultural, and social relationships of life,
i. working in the world for peace, justice, freedom, and human fulfillment.

It strikes me that through the deliberate refusal to promise any of these, we begin the destruction of our church family.  If only our pastor and hired staff can proclaim the good news, we destroy our church.  If we do not take regular, frequent, part in the common life and worship of our particular church, we destroy our church.  If we do not pray and study Scripture and our faith...if we do not support the work of the church through our money, time and talents...if we do not participate in governing responsibilities...and so forth...We. Destroy. Our. Church.  It is often a slow death, much like the slow death of a marriage when partners stop making the promise to be in the marriage.  But death eventually results.  

Sometimes a congregation can hold on for a good while because some members of the family attempt to make promises on behalf of those not promise-making.  Some pledge more to cover those not pledging at all. Some serve more to make up for those not serving.  Some...well you get the point.

And the challenge here is that many of us who would absolutely agree with the statement that the collapse of promise-making destroys the family, are unquestioned experts at justifying our cessation of promise-making. We don't agree with a national vote, we don't like the people on the session, the pastor drives us crazy, we want to spend budget money on different priorities, we want contemporary/traditional music instead of traditional/contemporary music, we are angry at others in our families, we...fill in the blank.

Nowhere does it say "pick the membership promises you will make."  "Love God and love your neighbor as yourself," is not optional for just when we feel like it.  We'll never be perfect.  We'll always struggle together to interpret scripture, to serve just causes, to treat each other with respect when we are angry.  But if we have stopped even making the promises, we must know that we are no longer family.

Am I part of God's family, really, if I can't tell others where and how I see God at work in my life and in the world (proclaiming the good news), if I don't worship with the body, if I never pick up the family storybook and learn the story, if I don't share my resources generously and gladly, if I don't serve with the gifts I have, if I don't practice reconciliation with my brothers and sisters, if I don't demonstrate through every aspect of my life that I have made these promises?

Is your church struggling?  Not growing?  In conflict?  

Take a good look.  Are you still committed to the promise-making?